now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
