I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
