And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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