new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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