can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
