If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
