i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
