Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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