I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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