I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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