Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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