Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
