I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
