My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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