I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
