Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
