see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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