As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
