That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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