Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
