textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
