apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
