Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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