Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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