Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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