Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
are you so shy because you have an std?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
