I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
