my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
