I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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