you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
