where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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