you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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