just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
