And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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