No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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