ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
