I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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