You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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