I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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