Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
