He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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