Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
