Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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