We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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