i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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