I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize