I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
