We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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