Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
