You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
