a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
