You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
