I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the day after is always just damage control
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
