Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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