I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
