I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
