I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize