just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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