i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
