You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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