Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
