She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
