my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
