It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
